Two months have passed and I am in a new place. I waited some time to write because frankly, I wasnt sure where I stood with all that has happened. Let me start by first saying this, I have read through all the comments and I am so grateful to everyone for their encouragement and wealth of information. Words can't begin to describe how much this all means to me. Saying that, I want to make it known that I intend on being as graphic and honest as possible about what is taking place. Although I am not the first and unfortunately won't be the last to have cancer, I find that people are overly concerned about being as politically correct (PC) as possible. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I have always been careful with my words and rarely do I say things I don't mean. It is my belief that words live; they are powerful in the positive and powerful in the negative, they can move people and nations, they can confuse and debilitate. Words sometime mean everything. My intention with this blog is to speak the truth about my experience and what I am learning about the truths in my life and share them with you. So lets begin.
On January 4, 2011 I had a sentinel node biopsy of my anxillary node (on my left side). The doctors saw in my PET scan that one lymph node was active and my medical oncologist was 99% certain it was cancer, she was right. Since my lymph node was involved that pushed me into stage III of Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC). They removed two nodes during surgery because the second looked suspicious, still til this day I never received a straight answer on the second node, but I am grateful that they only removed two and not more. Why? The lymphatic system of the human body sole purpose is to assist our body to drain toxins and fluids up through our circulatory system and through lymphatic system, down our arms and out. Now, my question was- out of where? Out from where? Believe it or not no one really knows and when I say no one I mean the medical community. This isn't a bashing so hold on to your boot straps. My mother has told me that when I was a little girl I was always asking "why?" and she would ask me if I had an OFF switch (apparently my questioning was quite excessive- funny, I am living that same feeling now with my 2 year old :)). Til this day I can answer NO to that question and I can admit that I remain insistant on asking "Why?".
So naturally, I asked "where do these toxins and fluids go?" and I was told "out". So if "out" is a space that is unknown and just accepted and science has acknowledged that there is matter than we can not see or touch, why can't they wrap their heads around the practices of naturopathy, around whole body treatment. Why are we accepting that they be so closed off? I'm not rambling, there is a point to this. Once I realized the importance of my lymphatic system I started to question the mastectomy portion of my treatment plan because it includes the removal of two of the three layers of my lymphatic system on my left side, which can begin with 15 or more nodes. Once the lymphs are removed there is a 15% chance that I can suffer from lymphadema, which is the swelling of the entire arm and a full arm brace is required whenever lifting moderate to heavy loads. As I think to myself I say... well, the only loads I could immediately think of were my children! The oldest is 2yrs and he weighs 37lbs and the 10 month old is 27lbs- these are solid kids, so that would mean that I would have to be extra cautious or seldom lift my children...this is CRAP!!! Moving on... Furthermore, whenever a person who has had this type of surgery travels on an airplane, he/she must cover the arm that is compromised and should an infection from a cut or bruise effect the arm, an immediate visit to the emergency room is mandatory. Ok, well there is only a 15% chance and that's pretty low, right? Well, the reality is that even if you don't suffer from lymphedema (swelling of the arm), everything else I described applies. Do you see how at first its misleading. This means that even if you never experience the swelling of the arm- any bruising, infection, traveling in high altitudes and lifting are all areas of concern and should not be taking lightly, for the remainder of your life. Last, anyone with a compromised lymphatic system is much more suseptible to all kinds of illnesses and infections due to the fact that your body in functioning at 60% (estimated); the lymph nodes under the arm are that important. I was also informed that taking blood from my left arm is no longer advised and I only had two nodes removed. Remember, the purpose of having the lymph nodes removed is to ensure or lessen the probability of cancer returning- in the event there are cells in the nodes the couldn't see. Well, if you can't see it with your scans then maybe the use of thermography could assist in the investigation of cells that may go undetected...hmmmmm? So frustrating.
Recently, I read an article in a creditable medical journal published by a team of doctors from Sloan Ketterin and MD Anderson that disclosed their latest study regarding lymph node removal during breast surgery for cancer patients. The article concluded that the probability of cancer returning amongst people who have had their lymph nodes removed fare less favorable (by 1%) to that of people that have not had their lymph nodes removed. That is to say, the study explained that within the test group the chances of cancer returning for those with their lymph nodes removed verses those with their nodes intact (not taken out) after a period five years was less than 1% and infact, the woman with their nodes rated higher in survival by 1%. The difference is marginal when you look at the group as a whole but the point I am making is that the removal of the uninfiltrated lymph nodes is unnecessary in most cases. I am so glad this study has been done becuase it was very unsettling for me to accept that part of my body would be removed with out reason. I argued the fact as soon as I was told that this was part of my bilateral mastectomy. It didn't make sense to me, I know I am not a doctor but if no other lymph nodes showed concern in my scan prior to surgery, why remove them, especially knowing how important they are. You see it is my belief that the body shouldn't be treated like the experimental frog in the biology 101 class in high school with respects to justifying what we can and cannot do without. Everything has its purpose and it is in place for a reason. We have become a society of convenience and have disregarded our own bodies and their importance. If we don't like our breast, we change them, if our rear ends aren't big enough we enlarge, if our teeth aren't white enough we bleach them. Did you know that even the fluoride in our drinking water and in our tooth paste has been linked to brain defects and slowed intellegence in our young children? A recent study EXPOSED that fluoride has a marginal (less than 1%) benefit to fighting cavities. The invention of fluoride and the marketing tactic behind the addition of fluoride into out water system was because of its "GREAT BENEFITS" when infact the producers knew all along that ingesting this low grade toxin over time would or could be hazardous. There is an effort now to ban the use of fluoride in the city water system, each city has its own petition, please look it up- I will leave the link below. What an amazing marketing ploy, very successful I might add. So successful that every municipality in the USA (almost) is a customer...WOW!!
The goal in the treatment of cancer should be to preserve and build up the immune system before you remove or do harm. With all the wealth of knowledge that we as people, as professionals and as a medical community have, why have we chosen to mustard gas (known form of cytotoxin first used as chemical warfar by the Germans in 1917) ourselves through chemotherapy and surgeries? Naturopathic medicine, chinese medicine, botany, herbology, etc.has been with us for centuries in one form or another. Why aren't we doing better? Better said, why aren't our doctors working together? I wish their was a team of doctors from each discipline that would form a panel. A team that would take to the research lab and utilize all their knowledge of the natural sciences and conventional and genetics and kind a cure!! Do you remember when you were a child and you would dream up great scenarios? I find myself there everytime I prepare for chemotherapy and recently more so than usual after losing a dear friend last week to lung cancer. This monster is killing people everyday! Although the name of the game here is to stay positive, there isn't one cancer warrior I know that doesn't wonder if his or her name will be on a gravestone next. I know I have. I look at my son's and I pray that they won't have to look at pictures of me to recall who I am or hear stories about the things I did. This is the reality about having a deadly disease and after the treatment is over and I believe I will be blessed to be one of the people "in remission", I will have the next 10 years of my life to wonder if the next doctors' visit will reveal anything that I DON'T want to hear. Nevertheless, I continue to believe that this an opportunity to be reborn and nothing more. There are people who have made great achievements in cancer that we should all know about and research for ourselves.
Dr. Max Gerson attempted to share his discovering for the CURE for cancer in 1944 but when it came time for him to present his finding to the congressional committe to cure cancer of which consisted of a few doctors turned senator, the number of media that were to cover the story and publicize his great work found themselves instead at a well positioned gala that day, sponsored by a few pharaceutical and medical community leaders instead. The findings were kept under very low profile and Dr. Gerson's professionalism questioned. If you don't know this story don't worry, I didn't know it either until someone shared with me on the comments section of this blog, I encourgae you to do the same. This therapy (The Gerson Therapy) is not just for cancer, it is for any and practically all aliments ranging from asthma, arthritis, diabetes, thyroid, and cancer. If you want to learn about true balance of the body and enzymes then start here; Dr. Gerson was one of the first pioneers. Back to January 4, 2011.
I had surgery. My port was placed into the right side of my chest and I was ready for chemo. The port is a small plastic triangle shaped disc that is placed just below the surface of the skin, above the chest muscle. Attached is a small, thin, plastic tube that follows along the main vascular flow at the center of your chest. When the chemo and the Herceptin is administered it flows through the tube and into your body. After this was completed I had my first chemotherapy treatment on January 6, 2011. As I look back on it, I can tell you that I was scared and I was scared-into doing it. Frankly, up until a few days ago I was scared-into doing it. My tumor grew so fast in such a short period of three and a half weeks that I was affraid I wouldn't make it. I wish the tumor didn't grow so fast, I would have made some different decisions but... it did and I did what I felt was necessary. On January 13, 2011 I went into my doctors office with a low grade fever and I was feeling horrible. My liver was throbbing and my legs were aching and my white blood cell count was too low, so they gave me a shot of Neulasta. Neulasta forces the body to produce new white blood cells, which are produced through the bone. Naturally,this is a longer process becuase the body will produce red blood cells as well and so the white blood cells have to 'wait their turn' so to speak. This was not something I was capable of waiting for so I was given the shot. Little did I know that the low white blood cell count was due to something else. I was getting an infection. Fast forward to January 19, 2011. I have a mask on and I am on a flight out to Houston, TX to meet with a very high profile alternative genetic research doctor named S.R. Bruzynski (Bruzynski Clinic) and later with the conventional MD Anderson, rated #1 in the country. When I got off the flight I felt a warm feeling on my left breast and thought that maybe I was still soar from surgery. Later that day I saw that the area was red and the redness carried down my breast toward the tumor. I was worried but I was determined not to freak out and knew I had some important things ahead of me. The following day were very important appointments and nothing was standing in my way. At the Bruzynski Clinic I was very impressed by their standard of practice and their process. The doctors were very nice, accomplished medical doctors (MD) and one of the doctors on the team was previously the chief of staff for John Hodgkins, so they had their conventional influence there as well. I learned a lot while I was there and I also decided to have some gentic testing done as well. The genetic testing is beyond the Brac 1 and Brac 2 and it included having my biopsy sample tested by Caris. Caris is the company that handles all genetic testing for tissue samples used exclusively by conventional medical institutions as well so these test were viable and could be used by any doctor that wanted to see more about me and my cancer. The testing wasn't cheap and neither was the visit but it was worth every penny. I was fortunate enough to have a fundraiser in my name that allowed me to supplement some of the cost and I implore you to do the same for someone else that may benefit from getting more information. Receiving good care and getting answers is something that every breathing person is capable of attaining, it is not just for those that can afford it. More to the point, the clinic requires a substantial payment up front should you consider their care plan. Here is the deal with this doctor, he has cured more people that have been sent home to die then the conventional medical community want to admit. He, like Dr. Gerson was ridiculed and was threatened with the revoking of his license to practice because he was utilizing alternative medicines and methods. Some admittingly are not approved by the FDA and therefore are his patent but because there is friction between both camps (alternative and conventional MD) and a collective effort cannot be made, we (the general public) have to make some difficult decisions about how we want to live or die. Part of the treatment plan for Dr. Bruzynski's patients is to take supplements. I was given supplements for my brain and my body to help lessen the toxicity of chemotherapy, I was thankful that I finally received some preventative care. Granted, these supplements are formulated and package by another company owned by Dr. Bruzynski but nonetheless, I was glad to be taking something formulated for exactly what I needed. Look, I am a business person, I know how questionable it seems when a doctor like Bruzynski requires payment up front, requires patients take his supplements (guarantee of additional revenue) and has medication unapproved by the FDA. But here are another group of facts, people that were sent home to die are LIVING because of him and they continue to do so for more than 35 years. These are indisputable facts and these are facts that the conventional can't seem to erase, although they may want to. Here is another morsile of information, these doctors wouldn't have a place in this paradym if it weren't for the fact that the medical community has provided one. If these doctors weren't providing results they would have been erased a long time ago. Cancer just doesn't disappear. There is work involved in killing this thing. Whether it be spiritual work, unorthodox tretaments, naturopathic, alternative and conventional, at some point you have to work towards getting better and doctors like Bruzynski are offering another way to work through this disease. I should note that he does utilize FDA approved medications as well and the prescrition they gave me included Herceptin, Tykerb and other FDA approved drugs including a low grade chemotherapy.
The genetic testing came back and gave a complete list of current chemotherapy drugs that would and would NOT work for me. I asked my oncologist to perform a chemosensitivity test on me so that we can be sure the current treatment prescribed is accurate for me (as an indivdual) and I was told that "that could not be done" and that I had to trust her. Yeah right! And if the doctor is wrong about the chemo cocktail, they'll end up being right because they prescribed what is considered 'standard of care' for a person in my condition and there is no way to tell whether I will be a responder. This is the BS they give you, there is this wait and see mentality that is so anger provoking becasue ther ARE test available that WILL disclose the types of chemicals I would respond to best, in my condition; this is clearly not the individualized care practice I was hoping for. If you know of anyone that is at a later stage of cancer or has a rare cancer, I recommend seeing S.R. Bruzynski - he meets with every new patient. If you know of anyone that has been sent home to die, please I urge you to send them to him. Getting back to the chain of events. The doctors at the Bruzynski clinic drew my blood for a series of other test and I left for my appointment to MD Anderson. We get to MD Anderson and the breast cancer center (an entire floor) is sworming with people in the waiting area. I looked at my husband and we both knew what the other was thinking..."what a business". MD Anderson as I mentioned is #1 in the nation, they are clearly a group of elite doctors and have practices that few can match. However, they are also heavily funded and receive large amounts of grants for research which skews their ranking in my book. Anytime any company is front loaded it will grab a large percentage of market share. Lets use for example a company like Starbucks. Starbuck opened hundreds of stores and it appeared they were on every street corner and they practically were. Naturally, if they positioned themselves to be almost everywhere then they would grab almost everyone that ever wanted anything to drink (market share), especially coffee. As long as MD Anderson continues to get heavy funding they will maintain their positon because they can afford the technology and talent that is required, this isnt to say that they aren't doing great things. I was thoughrouly impressed with the doctors' presentation, she was very impressive with her answers to most of my questions. I know that when its time for surgery I will have either MD Anderson perform surgery of Cancer Treatment Centers of America (I'll get to them later). As I continued my interview she examined my breast and I explained the redness that recently developed. She confirmed it was infection, she gave me a prescription of antibiotic aand told me to watch it for the next two days, if I got a fever i needed to call right away. She also explained that the sentinel node biopsy is something they often see coming out of Florida (where I live) and is not a common practice at their center. GREAT!!!!!!! Now I'm really worried about what else I may be subjected to with the care I'm receiving. It's Friday now and my husband and I dont leave until Monday afternoon. We decided to stay longer so we can get a feel for the area and my husband can interview for a few jobs in the event that my surgery is done there. Thank God we stayed. Friday I start running a low temperature of 99.7, no big deal, I'm not feeling very string but I'll make it. On Saturday the scar is so red and tender to the touch, it doesn't look like it's healing and I have a fever of 100.9, I call the doctor. She tells me that if the temperture rises past 101.0F I am to rush to emergency, give the antibiotic a chance to work. Sunday, I feel something wet under my arm. Its 6:30am and I'm a little freaked out, I slowly get out of bed so not to wake my husband who was up takinig care of me all night, I check my temp and I'm at 99.0 (what a relief) but I'm wet under the arm so I make my way to the bathroom. When I look at my pajama shirt it was stained, I lift it and the incision is open. The infection was so bad that the skin ripped open on its own and was leaking puss everywhere. I get to the emergency room and was admitted. The surgeon takes a look at me and discloses that the sentinel node procedure is not something they recommend doing at their hospital because it compromises an already compromised body, especially if I am to undergo chemotherapy. He further stated that since I was already scheduled for chemo the chemo would have addressed the infected lymph node and the rest of my body for that matter and by leaving my lymph nodes in place they could at least ensured that my body wouldn't have to contend with anything else other than adjust to the chemo and stay strong, rather than have to heal from surgery. It gets better...He goes on to say that they would have WAITED at least one-two weeks after the port placement surgery to administer chemotherapy because having chemo 2 days after surgery did not give me anytime to heal on my own! - Infact it SLOWED my healing down...guess my doctor didn't think that important. Do you know I asked that question to my doctors and they said it was fine. You know, everyone has issues when they have a medical condition and while I can admit that every doctor has a different set of practices, sometimes its best to go to facilities such as this so that the common sense stuff isn't something you are tripping over. At the end of all this, we came home, chemo was delayed 4 weeks, I was given Herceptin (antibody therapy) in between and a shot of zoladex (synthetic hormone therapy- HRT) to prevent my over production of estrogen and now I am here typing this. I received my second dose of chemotherapy 11 days ago. The 7 days after chemo are horrible for me. I am filled with so much fatigue, not even drugs can keep me asleep. My stomach is turned upside down, I can't concentrate on much (chemo brain) and all I want to do is crawl out of my skin because it feels like I'm burned inside. I promised myself this much, I am doing this to shrink the tumor, once that has been accomplished I will begin the Gerson Therapy and take this bull by the horns. I am not interested in the drive through cancer treatment menu selection. I am not interested in returning to the old me and I am not interested in putting my body throught more hell. I dont care what anyone says. The worst part of this is that the entire week I was feeling like shit so were my sons. My 2 year old was inconsoleable all week long, he had so much restlessness, I felt terrible for him because he couldn't explain it. Once mommy was better, he was better.
I can tell you this, I have been in psychological, emotional and spiritual treatment since December and I feel like a different person but I also know that there is a lot more shedding that needs to take place. My tumor has shrunk almost 3 cm and it is not due to the chemo or the herceptin entirely. As a matter of fact the 3 cm difference was measured before the 2nd chemo treatment, this was greatly due to the medical Qigong I am under going and the spiritual work I am doing. I have learned something really important. When we pray, we dont have to pray outloud or up toward the heavens. God lives inside of us, just as it states in the word (funny, I just way the word "word" and I remebered what I wrote earlier), God's words are ALIVE in us. All we have to do is remove the many layers of cloth that covers him up inside of us. The layers of guilt, sadness, disappointment, anger, betrayal, fear, uncertainty, distrust, adultry, rape,self doubt, lack of self worth, the list is endless, the cloths or layers are mounds and mounds of layers. Years of feelings that wedge themselves between us and him, separate us from the people we were when we were young children before we were tainted by lifes trials. If you think back when you young before all these feeling got in your way, who were you? what made you, you?- I've learned that that is the me that needs to speak to him. That is the me that needs to take my cancer and give it to him and say here, I don't know what to do with this but if you teach me I will follow. Simply put, cancer and illness comes because your spirit is ill, all those layers are sufficating, they create a toxic environment and the closer we get to the truth, the more honest and transparent we are with ourselves and with God the easier it is to get well. The easier it is to feel full and be fullfilled. A study performed by the Center of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) exclaimed that 80%-85% of an individuals emotional state affects their health and can lead to or cause chronic illness, as stated by the National Cancer Society.
Stress
Toxic stress is internal or external influences that disrupt an individual’s normal state of well-being. These influences are capable of affecting health by causing emotional distress and leading to a variety of physiological changes. These changes include increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and a dramatic rise in hormone levels.results from adverse experiences that may be sustained for a long period of time. This type of stress can disrupt early brain development, compromise the functioning of important biological systems, and lead to long-term health problems.(CDC Study, 2008)
Yes our food and the contaminants in them make a world of a difference to our health but the one thing we can control, what we can cultivate and make beautiful is our spirits, is our hearts. The smallest things use to take so much out of me. I stopped listening to music and for me that was huge because once upon a time I was a professional singer and music was my escape. I didn't find pleasure in sitting outside like I use to. Life just got a hold of me and although I looked like I was having a good time I was heavy in my heart. I wasn't without pressure, I wasn't free. Freedom and the readiness to choose to be filled with love is the most valuable thing any of us can possess. its what we teach our kids when they are young and then we forget to reteach ourselves. I'm learning to love myself again, to love my environment and to love people. I have no hair, my eyebrows are gone, I've lost 13lbs since all this started and yet everytime I am in public I see people look at me and they know I am sick. I am a young woman and I am sick, and dispite what rationale they may use to conclude in their minds why I am sick, I smile at them so that they know I am well :). On the inside I am getting well. On the inside I can't remember being this close to the real me, the happy me. I have a long way to go but I'm going. It's unfortunate that cancer has to be my chaperone but I pray to God that the spirit he gave me does not go to waist at the hands of any chemotherapy, any cancer, any surgery or any drugs and that he allows me the time I need to remove the layers so I can get to him and I get to see myself as he made me. Happy!
Resources
1. Sloan Ketterin, MD Anderson, Practice Change: Sentinel Node Removal at Breast Surgery for Breast Cancer. Retrieved March 7, 2011. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbcgTKf0WCU
2. Center of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The Effects of Childhood Stress on Health Across the Lifespan. Retrieved March 7, 2011. http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/pub-res/pdf/Childhood_Stress.pdf
3. Bruzynski Clinic. http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/
4. Fluoride Action Network. http://www.fluoridealert.org/
5. The Gerson Therapy
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