I haven't written in almost 10 days because my life has been turned upside down. Not an unfamiliar feeling for me but this time its different. More than just chemotherapy, there have been other toxic substances that I have had to familiarize myself with both within my body (physiologically) and externally (i.e. relationships). Lets begin with the chemo, shall we.
Thursday, January 6, 2011:
Exactly one month after my diagnosis, I am sitting in a 10 x 11 room. The walls are a pale yellow, the chair rail is a teal and there are three wall ornaments of angels scattered on the wall behind the nurses desk. I am sitting in a teal recliner and there are 6 recliners just like mine in the room to keep me company. Attached to the recliners is an intravenous (IV) medical stand (IV pole) and to the left are pillows and warm blankets for us to use and make ourselves comfortable. As I enter the room the nurse greets me with a supporting smile and asked me if I am ready. What a loaded question. Of course, I answer "Yes, I'm ready", and I was. I had spent the last few days accepting that I had to do something because as my doctor told me "cancer will not wait for you". It was a very profound statement for both me and my family and friends who were with me on that visit; we all stopped and looked at each other. All that to say, my doctor was right and on Jan. 6, 2011 I was ready. However......
As I sit down, there is a woman in her late 40's maybe early 50's sitting across from me and you can see in her eyes that she is a very pleasant person. She smiles and I have officially entered into a new group. In a matter of 10 minutes the room fills up and all 6 chairs are full, other women come in and have to be sent to the other room in the back of the office. In the 8 hours I was there (I'll explain why it was so long) those chairs turned 10 chemotherapy patients, not to mention the back room that has a few chairs as well.
Two days prior (Jan.4) I went in for my port placement. The port is a catheter that is inserted just below your skin, very small in size, palpable-the size of the first part (tip) of your pointer finger. Attached to that is a small tube that draws the medicine into your body, directly into your vein in the center of your body. I also has a sentinel node biopsy done because in my scans in mid December a lymph node showed characteristics of cancer. Sure enough, The sentinel node biopsy that was performed nearly three weeks after my original PET scan exposed TWO nodes. That means that the cancer either entered the second lymph node during the scans (three weeks prior) and it was so microscopic that the radioactive isotope didn't attract the cancer enough for it to light up on the scan OR, the cancer was spreading fast and the second node was infiltrated in a matter of three weeks. I was glad that I had that biopsy and I was glad to have the port placed and I was ready for treatment. Now, let me be honest with you, I never agreed with what this type of therapy does to the body. I was against it from the start. I knew that I had to find another way to beat this. The problem is that my cancer was now at stage 3, I have two babies at home (2 years and 9 months), I had to do something that would give me a fighting chance and give me time.
The nurse gets me ready for all my anti nausea medication and she can't seem to access my port. Access meaning that when she tries to draw blood and/or administer medication the tube won't let anything pass through. She tries again, nothing. She asks me if she can remove the needle access they left ready for her from surgery so to make it less painful for me. I agree, and it was uncomfortable and painful. she tries a new needle and tries again...nothing. She has me lay down and BINGO, it works. At this point I'm thinking, maybe this is a sign. Maybe this isn't for me....run, run like hell!!!! Of course I didn't, but I wanted to. My doctor comes in and says, "lets access her through the hand and we'll address the port later,....I don't understand why this happened, I've never had a problem with the port XYZ doctor has placed before, and he's been doing them for my patients for years". GREAT! Now I'm really thinking... "God is talking to you, make up some rational arguement, you're very good at that, and just leave." "Maybe this is the time you needed?" Well, I didn't. I stayed like a good girl because I knew in my spirit that I had to do this. I asked myself, the real me, not the business me, not the scared me, not the mother or wife, friend or daughter. I asked myself what do "you" want to do? Do you know what I heard?...."There is something else for you but you must do this now", and so I did.
After the anti-nausea medications and steroids (of course the nurse kept explaining it as anti-nausea but they were steroids and to a layman, one would think that they were nothing more than medications to prevent you from vomiting), the real drugs began. Herceptin, because I am ER/PR positive and HER2 positive, was the first. When it was administered I just sat and prayed that God would protect my heart. The heart is one of the most effected by Herceptin, if effected at all. According to the list of side effects, it can cause congestive heart failure, weakening of the heart muscles and more. The link below will provide more information. I say if effected because according to what I've read and have been told by medical professionals, as you undergo treatment, if symptoms do not arise that indicate otherwise, the more you use Herceptin the less "likely" your heart will experience any effects. Hmmmm, does that sound right? I mean logically, yes. If you don't show signs of illness to your heart after 4-6 cycles then chances are "you're good", you are not going to suffer from any major heart problem. EXCEPT...if you do respond adversely during treatment it can be in the form of muscle failure, low blood pressure, or a massive heart attack! These are the only treatment options we are utilizing? Why? Why can't we help our bodies fight back? Why can't we push this out? Oh wait, I know because it makes money, because we are already so toxic inside from all the chemical we consume in our food and environment that the time we would need to cleanse ourselves and fight it would be too long and we'd loose the battle! This applies to people like me, people that have been diagnosed stage 3 and above. Time is not on our side. This may also apply to some people in stage 2 as well. Furthermore, it applies to people with more severe cancers like, pancreatic, lung, brain and colon. It also applies to people that have a small microcalcification in their breast and not a mass or tumor but for some reason it has metasticised into their bones. Well, if I'm doing the math correctly, this really applies to people who have found their cancer at a very infantile stage. Better said, preventative. In just a few sentences we went from stage 3 and 4 to zero, when discussing our ability to really fight this. Don't lose hope, there are answers. Its not as bleek as it may sound, I digress.
The second drug, Taxotere (Docetaxel)...monster. Taxotere is an antineoplastic/cytotoxin. In other words, they are anti-cancer drugs that lessen the blood flow to the tumor which the cancer utilizes to gain strength and grow.It is known as a antimicrotubule agent, its purpose is to stop cell division at mitosis, essentially stopping the cell from growing. I felt it enter my body and I immediately closed my eyes and envisioned it only traveling to the tumor because I didnt want it to run through my body and do whatever it wanted. If I was going to accept it into my body then I had to direct it, like a small child in a play ground. I had to rally all it characteristics and show it where to play; it was strong, my fingers and toes started to tingle. Now mind you, Taxotere side effects are nausea, hair loss, fluid retention, nail bed discoloration, peripheral neuropathy (finger and toes numbness), low white blood cell count, mouth soars and so on.
Last but not least, Carboplatin- 600 mg. I don't know if it was because it was the last drug administered but it left me feeling scared. Honestly, I told my husband and my mother (who were both there with me) that this was the mother of the three. Carboplatin (antineoplastic/cytotoxic) is very similar to the Taxotere side effects but it is an alkylating agent. Its side effects also include nephrotoxicity which is when the kidneys are poisoned and can not function as they should and can not release excess urine. This can also lead to renal failure or problems. Before undergoing treatment I did not get on the computer or ask my medical friends what these drugs were. I knew that if I did I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what had to be done. I would have been thinking about what was being done to my body. The day of treatment I received a photocopied list of the drugs and their side effects from the chemotherapy nurse. I did not read them when I got home. All I wanted to do was see my sons and rest.
2:30am, I wake up startled. I fell asleep with the side table lamp on (my husband hates when I do that), thank God I did. I opened my eyes and gasped for air. There is no exhaggeration here. My heart was pumping hard, my legs were throbbing and my kidneys felt like someone was squeezing them so tight and my lower back was so arthritic. I didnt know where to turn to gain relief, I didnt make a sound. I started to take small profound breaths, I didn't cry, even though I wanted to. I was so emotionally hurt above all, because all I could think about was "This is my body and I'm in pain..., I am so sorry". I kept breathing and when I could take deep breaths I began to pray. Since I was a young girl I have clinged to my relationshipship with God. There have been times in my young twenties where I forgot who I was, meaning I forgot God existed inside of me. We all have different belief systems but, this is my story and God is very much a part of this all.
As I am in prayer my husband is still sleeping and I didn't wake him because I needed my time with God. I knew prayer would help release me from the fear that was running through me. 2:45am, my oldest son wakes calling for me..."mama?". How did he know to send me my son so that I could change gears and give to my baby? Maybe to distract me while he was giving to me? Whatever the plan, it worked. I got out of bed and got my son and we stayed in bed and ate oatmeal and talked until 5am. He just wouldn't fall asleep no matter how much I pleaded :). Finally, at 5 am my husband and I and our oldest son fell asleep in the bed together and waited for our youngest son to wake us up in 2 hours :). I spent the next 5 days with aches, stomach pain and feeling very tired. My body was responding and I did my best to stay still. Anyone that knows me knows that it is VERY difficult for me to sit still. I knew what was happening to me but I had to concentrate on the positive. In the meantime, I continued with my acupuncture, medical Qigong, prayer and my antigeogenesis diet. You'll be happy to know the tumor has shrunk.
Here is some interesting information about genotoxic drugs.
Genotoxic drugs are chemotherapy agents that affect nucleic acids and alter their function. These drugs may directly bind to DNA or they may indirectly lead to DNA damage by affecting enzymes involved in DNA replication. Rapidly dividing cells are particularly sensitive to genotoxic agents because they are actively synthesizing new DNA. If enough damage is done to the DNA of a cell it will often undergo apoptosis, the equivalent of cellular suicide.
The genotoxic chemotherapy treatments include:
- Alkylating agents: The first class of chemotherapy agents used. These drugs modify the bases of DNA, interfering with DNA replication and transcription and leading to mutations
- Intercalating agents: These drugs wedge themselves into the spaces between the nucleotides in the DNA double helix. They interfere with transcription, replication and induce mutations.
- Enzyme inhibitors: These drugs inhibit key enzymes, such as topoisomerases, involved in DNA replication inducing DNA damage.
So what does that all mean? Well, as much as these drugs are built around killing the DNA of the cancer cell, they also kill DNA that helps us. There is no perfect formula. Some of us will make it and some will not. One thing we all have to remember, our bodies are built to heal, regenerate constantly and our bodies go through a DNA rebirth every 7 years! Therefore, if I am 35 now that means that I am now entering my rebirth. This is good. God didnt make any mistakes, our bodies are made to last a very, very long time. Take care of it and it will take care of you.
So why do "I" have cancer? No one can really give you this answer if you have been diagnosed with cancer. The doctors and specialist can tell you what happens in the formation of cancer but they can't tell you why. Why is not the biological question I wanted answered, it is the emotional question-Why?
How am I now? I had a low grade fever yesterday and today. My white blood cell count was 1.9 and .85 (mature white cells), so finally after having a temperature today they had to inject me with more medication to force the production of my white blood cells. Side effects are sever arthritic pain in the lower back area and in joints...waiting to see how I respond. I still have my hair on day 9 but it will be gone soon. I have a mouth soar, so eating is not fun. My stomach has been in bad shape and I have lost 13lbs since December 27th.
I am scheduled to go back into surgery for my port on the 26th and chemo #2 on the 27th.
Wish Me Luck!
links:
http://www.chemocare.com/bio/carboplatin.asp
http://www.herceptin.com/adjuvant/breast-cancer-treatment/side-effects.jsp
References
(1) No Author (N.A.), http://www.cancerquest.org/genotoxic-chemotherapy-drugs. Retrieved January, 2011.
No comments:
Post a Comment